Sometimes, I feel like I'm a member of an endangered species. I'm a punctual person in Los Angeles. Yes, we still exist. We haven't completely died away like the sabre-tooth tiger or wooly mammoth. When I first moved here, we weren't so rare. But over the years, a virulent epidemic of flakiness has swept across town. As our numbers have dwindled, I've only become more self-righteous and indignant. Others have told me to stop fighting it and drink the Kool Aid, but I refuse to become one of the tardy lemmings. Show up on time and I'll be all smiles, ever the joyful and upbeat person that you've grown to love (or at least tolerate). Show up late and be prepared to feel my unbridled, nostril-flaring fury. Here are some tips to cooling my molten cauldron of rage when you're late.
LET ME KNOW
We have plans to meet at 6:00pm at a bar in Santa Monica. It's already 5:30pm and you're still in Pasadena. You're going to be late. Call me. Text me. Do it now. Give me the heads up. Don't wait until 6:00pm when I'm already at the bar. I am busy and have other shit I to do. Instead, I'm sitting in a crowded bar by myself, defending the stool I've reserved for you, and passing the time playing Angry Birds. I'm such a pathetic sight that no one in the bar wants to make eye contact with me. Believe it or not, this is the not the highlight of my day. Spare me this mortification and let me know when you're going to be late BEFOREHAND.
DON'T MANAGE MY EXPECTATIONS
For God's sake, don't tell me you're 5 minutes away when you're really 30 minutes away. Don't tell me you're "on the way" when I can hear your television in the background. Have you no shame? Here's a slightly revolutionary thought. If you're 30 minutes away, tell me you're 30 minutes away. Crazy idea, huh? Sometimes transparency is good. Then I can reset my expectations accordingly based on an honest estimate. Do not reset my expectations to a new time that you also won't make. You will only make me hate you ever more for being late twice for the same event.
SPARE ME YOUR LONG AND DRAWN OUT EXPLANATION
Do not give me a long and drawn out explanation of why you were late. I totally do not care. Telling me all the details of your tardiness will only give me ample opportunity to poke holes in your pathetic excuse and point out where you could have made different decisions and showed up on time. Just get here as quickly as you can. Next time I have to endure a long story about why someone was late, I'll respond with a long and drawn out story about how I managed to get there on time.
DO NOT USE FORESEEABLE CIRCUMSTANCES AS AN EXCUSE
Traffic on the 405 during rush hour? Stop the presses. That only happens every day. Gas tank was empty? Hard to see that one coming. If only your car had a gauge to inform you when it's getting low. Trouble finding parking in Hollywood on a Friday night? That's stunning because it's usually such a breeze. Face it, you do not have to be Nostradamus to see these things coming. These are all easily foreseeable circumstances that you should have considered when calculating your departure time. I do not own a crystal ball, but I somehow I managed to get here on time by correctly anticipating these possibilities.
DO NOT BLAME SOMEONE ELSE FOR YOUR TARDINESS
Stuck on the phone with your mom? Girlfriend took longer than expected to get ready? Roommate was hogging the shower? I totally do not give a shit. It is not their fault you are late. It is your fault. You are not a helpless spectator in your life. You are not powerless to the whims of everyone around you. If you had an important business meeting, I suspect you'd hustle and make the necessary choices to get there on time. Try to extend the same courtesy to your friends.
MEAN IT WHEN YOU APOLOGIZE
Do you know someone who is ALWAYS late? When they arrive, the first thing out of their mouth is a perfunctory "Sorry I'm late". But they're not. Because they say that every single time you meet. If they were truly sorry the last time, they would have showed up ON TIME this time. They've just been trained to apologize because it's considered polite, but they don't really mean it. What they should say is, "I'm late because I do not value your time as much as I value my own." At least that would be honest.
DO NOT BLAME ME FOR BEING PUNCTUAL
Yes, I am a prompt person, but that is not the problem. I cannot read your mind. When you say, "Let's meet at 3:00pm", I didn't realize that was code for "Let's meet at 3:43pm". If you had a problem with the mutually agreed upon time, you should have brought it up earlier when we were formulating the plan. I am honoring my word by making an effort to meet you at the predetermined time. Do not look at me like I'm some freak because I kept my word. In a just world, you would be regarded as the freak for breaking your word with such frequency and with so little regard for others.
MAKE UP FOR IT
Yes, everyone shows up late once in awhile, even me. What do I do? Apologize. Be prompt in the future. Most importantly, MAKE UP FOR IT. A small measure of recompense can go a long way to assuaging any hurt feelings. For example, offer to buy the first round of drinks. Personally, a jolt of strong alcohol quickly extinguishes my rage.
